the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
