Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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