wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Fuck appropriateness.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
