Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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