I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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