I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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