i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
