I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
