It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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