god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
