guys are only as good as the porn they watch
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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