Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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