I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I feel like a drive thru vagina
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
