So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
