if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
