i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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