Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
She just used a chaser for red wine.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
