I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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