I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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