So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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