he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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