My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
