I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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