I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
