i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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