I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
