you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
