I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
