So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
