I will die if light touches me.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
