he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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