Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
