we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
