It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
