I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I need a burrito and a hug.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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