my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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