4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
