I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
