should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
