Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Randomize
