Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
