I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
