she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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