i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We had to coat check the pizza.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
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