It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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