Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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