I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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