apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
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