You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
