so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
