she woke up with a sticky ear
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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